“Does it hurt?” she asked.
“Ehm oohwa oh ewhw ah ah,” I replied, thinking
That if only I could get my fingers around her throat
Then I could ring her neck appropriately
In rhythm to the words,
YES! IT! DOES! HURT!!!
This piercing pain
The pain that sends shivers of honed blue brilliance
Rebounding from the genitals to the cerebral cortex
And through the fingertips and down to the toes
And back, screeching its way around 50 billion neural nervous freeways
In split seconds
Over and over,
Creating bouquets of tortured psychedelia behind the eyes
In its full bodied stampede to the pineal,
Makes me remember God
The bitter novocaine is like the dull thud
Of too much fat human domestication –
It only serves to somehow enhance
The unique characteristics of true suffering,
I asked her, “Couldn’t you just plumb the needle
Into one on the larger purple veins in my arm?”
“You wish,” was her reply.
The incense of burnt bone
Wafting through the back door of my nose
Brings me to the feet of life,
The high pitched whiz of the drill, I know
Is only a chorus of angels being played to me too fast,
Like the horns of Jericho at 78 speed
So piercing and pure
As to bring tears to my eyes
While the walls of my own arrogance dissolve
Yet, as all who are truly humble become kings
It was my time to be crowned,
And so I waited on the dental thrown
Gagging with glory,
Is it a cap or a crown?
“Theyʼre the same thing,”she said.
“Americans, who make over $100,00 a year get crowns,
Everybody else gets caps, but thereʼs no difference.”
This,”I thought, “is democracy in action.”
But there was a catch, as usual.
Crownings are made of 3 different substances:
Porcelain, gold and uranium.
The porcelain is the default crown; white like teeth
But given to fracture
The gold crown is more expensive, more pliable, lasts a lot longer
And gives one a unique savings account,
Albeit a mite supercilious
In a gangsterly way
But the uranium crown,
Now there is a crown!
The crown of uranium is like the crowning of all crowns,
Plaque cannot replicate within 3 feet of a its radiance,
It gives one a glowing smile, a powerful, enduring kiss
And lasts 15,000 lifetimes
Paving the way for the nano mechanized mouths of the future
So, being a loyal American
I opted for the best – a uranium cap.
After plopping down a few hundred
In appreciation of my sacred, ritualized christening
I left that hallowed domain
Into the dank, winter twilight
My tender orifice trembling with transfiguration,
I became intuitively guided
By some unknown force
And had a banana split
Which had the biggest, brightest smile
I’ve ever seen…